I had never had a desire to see 50 Shades of Grey but because I have many female friends I keep finding myself at these types of movies. I never wanted to see any of the Twilight movies but sadly I had to go to all of them with my friend Val (I am a great friend) but this time it was Jen and Terri that dragged me to something I can never un-see.
WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD and MATURE LANGUAGE
Unless you have been living under a rock for the last few years you have heard of 50 Shades of Grey. The story was reworked from some bad Twilight fan fiction (I’m not kidding, just look it up) and turned into porn for lonely haus fraus. This unsexy, uninspired story is little more than an excuse for Middle America to watch porn without judgment from the masses. I am sure that there will be an increase in sex toy sales now that BDSM has gone main stream. I only wish I had invested in the Doc Johnson company years ago.
50 Shades of Grey tells the story of young, innocent Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) who must interview a young billionaire, Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) for her university’s newspaper. Grey is immediately taken by the subtle beauty and obvious innocence of the young co-ed. Fortunately for Anastasia, Grey is young and handsome and susceptible to her charms. Sound like a load of unbelievable crap? Well it is.
Eventually Grey lets little Anastasia in on his secret…he can only have sex in a dominant/submissive arrangement. He gives her a non-disclosure form and a contract before they can actually date. Well, that is if you can consider it dating since he only wants to use her body like a blow-up doll without any real relationship factors coming into play. She can’t touch him without being told, she is to sleep alone after coitus in her “own bed” in a room provided for her by Grey (in his penthouse) and she is to come around only on weekends. Frankly this whole situation proves my point that women don’t want a nice guy, secretly they want an asshole that will treat them like crap. Seriously, his “playroom” looks like something out of a scene in Pulp Fiction. I half expected to hear, “Bring out the gimp!”
As someone who read the first Twilight book and suffered through all the movies I can see the similarities in the stories. A young, innocent girl falls for a handsome, unattainable guy and eventually wins him over. Grey, much like Edward in Twilight is part of a blended family and comes from a rough background. Anastasia has divorced parents and her mother’s current beau is a golfer where Bella in Twilight is also from a broken home and her mother is with a minor league ball player. There are scenes in the school parking lot, walks in the woods (oh shit is he sparkling in the sun?), uber rich people and a ton of secrets. Granted at the end of the first Twilight book it is the guy who says stay away but in 50 Shades of Grey it is Anastasia that says the goodbye. This is after being spanked exceptionally hard with a belt.
The acting is almost passible but considering the source material the cast should be commended. They seemed to do the best they could with what they were given. Seriously I have seen Shakespeare performed poorly but I have never seen schlock made to look like Shakespeare and this script is far from Shakespeare. Hell, the dialog in this movie makes the many bad movies on Syfy channel movies look like literature. I would say I am being hard on this film but I am not. My friends and I laughed through most of what was happening on screen. If you are looking for a romantic movie, rent Bridges of Madison County and if you want porn watch the porn parody of Scooby Doo because it is supposed to be cheesy and funny. Bottom line is don’t waste your money on 50 Shades of Grey.