Everything seems to be getting a reboot lately; Hollywood
will always bank on something that has an established following. Some reboots are pleasant surprises, Star Trek (2009) for example, but sadly most fall into the category of utter failure. This seems to be the case with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
CAUTION: SPOILERS AHEAD
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles started off as an indie comic book created by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird back in 1984. Since their creation the Ninja Turtles have spawned 2 animated series and 5 live action movies (including the newest one) as well as a massive toy line. When it was announced that the Turtles would grace the big screen again, fans rejoiced; that is, fans rejoiced until information was leaked. One of the biggest things that upset purists was Michael Bay making the Turtles aliens from another planet. Why would anyone want to alter a well-established story line? Bay and company quickly backpedaled, announcing that the Turtles would not be aliens. Now after seeing the movie it is obvious those involved with making the film had many other things they could ruin, starting with the redesign of the Turtles.
When I saw the first image of Michelangelo for the 2014 movie, my hopes for the franchise were almost immediately destroyed. My first thought when I saw that image was: A six to seven foot tall turtle with t
he face of Shrek? No thank you. I eventually made peace with the fact that the turtles had more “human” faces. And more and more tidbits for the new movie came out enticing me into thinking this movie might come out ok. I figured that as long as the movie can appeal to children and make them want to watch it, that is what will sustain the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle legacy.
As a fan of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, it was my pleasure to view this latest incarnation of the fearsome four. Nothing would bring my heart more joy then to see the Turtles skyrocket to fame the way they did back in 1990 when the first movie came out. I watched their rise and fall and regained hope with the release of the new Nickelodeon cartoon series. I even took the time to watch the original movie trilogy so I could compare the changes that had been made to the updated Turtles.
It was apparent after the first 15 minutes of the film I was going to have problems with what I knew and what was being forced upon me in the 2014 film. After the first 45 minutes I wanted to leave the theater altogether. For the first time ever, I wanted to stand up and walk out in the middle of something that I have loved for the entirety of my life.
As we begin the movie, April (Megan Fox) is attempting to follow up on a story about chemicals stolen from a wharf at the shipping yard. Althou
gh April is just a “fluff” reporter she longs to be taken seriously as a journalist. For her, following up on these leads might just help her achieve the status she craves. The lead she is following takes her to the captain of a cargo vessel that was robbed the previous night. The captain tells April what chemicals were stolen and April is immediately able to recognize that these chemicals are used in genetic experimentation. April also finds out that the thieves are the infamous and super-secret Foot Clan who are also behind a string of other robberies. These guys are supposed to be a secret group yet, somehow, everyone knows who they are and what they are doing.
Later that night April returns to the docks to follow up on another lead. Riding her bicycle down by the wharf in the middle of the night, and coincidentally at the SAME SPOT where the previous thefts occurred, another theft is happening…by the armed mercenaries of the Foot Clan. These alleged ninjas are equipped with full-on automatic rifles and special ops gear while walking around, plain as day. April decides to get closer and get some video with her phone. She gets more than she expected when a group of mysterious vigilantes show up to stop the theft.
During the ensuing battle one of the turtles single handedly takes out a large group of mercenaries by flinging around a three ton shipping container with relative ease. He also takes the time to tag a Japanese symbol on the shipping container, a symbol April uses later to link everything that is happening to her tragic past.
The turtles then meet up with April and reveal the missing parts of the past as well as how the turtles came from point A
to point B. The secret to their ninja combat style comes from a book Splinter (their mentor) found in the sewers and used to train himself as well as the turtles. I can only assume it was a kung-Fu picture book because I doubt he learned how to read. Before the turtles can finish their story, Shredder and the Foot Clan find the hidden lair and proceed to curb stomp everyone into the ground.
As the movie continues and the turtles fight and struggle with little to no ninja action, just a lot of surfing and skateboarding and, to my dismay, an actual fart joke classing up the character interactions. They also have a new super power, their shells are bulletproof. This new breed of super strong turtles get captured, lose their strength, and get it back only by convenience. The movie continues on to reveal a plot much like the Amazing Spider-Man (2012). That movie also had a final battle on top of a skyscraper where the villain is about to release a chemical on the unsuspecting populous of New York City.
While there are a few notable nods to the original movie, sadly, many of the lines felt forced and awkward. It was as if they were trying to squeeze in as many references as possible. I still managed to grin once or twice at the interactions between the brothers but was left relatively unimpressed overall. Almost none of the characters stood out as individuals save for Michelangelo and Raphael. One particular Foot member, Karai (Minae Noji) had a good share of screen time but was treated as an almost throwaway character. Her name, for example, was only used once and that was in passing. Her importance is completely glossed over; in previous incarnations she plays an important role in the Foot Clan as the second in command and is sometimes depicted as the daughter of Shredder himself.
The bastardization of the franchise can be seen best by looking at the changes made to the main characters.
Notable differences in Character:
April O’Neil
(1990 movie played by Judith Hoag) A hot, intelligent, tough as nails New York news reporter. She is willing to go the extra mile to investigate a crime spree hitting New York and finds ties to a criminal organization known as the Foot Clan. She then becomes the target of the Foot Clan to keep their organization a secret.
(2014 movie played by Megan Fox) Again she is a hot news reporter trying to get a big story to improve her career. Nothing more than something pretty to look at on TV, she covers unimportant events as news filler. Eventually, it is revealed she is one of the reasons the Turtles exist in the first place. Sadly, other than bait, she of little use toher allies.
Vernon
(original cartoon) The character of Vernon was the camera man for 
April with a personality that was always snooty and condescending. One of his stupidest traits was that he would sell out “friends” for a sandwich.
(2014 movie played by Will Arnett) Again he is the camera man for April and apparently feels that he wasting his talents with her. There really is little use for Vernon since he spends half the time as a personal chauffer to April and other half trying to get into her pants. Eventually, becomes a hero of sorts.
Shredder
(1990 movie voiced by David McCharen) Leader of the foot clan, uses minions to steal and loot from the people of New York to buy power and influence for standard evil guy stuff. His main reason for coming to America was that he had to kill lifelong rival Hamato Yoshi over personal vendetta/rivalry. Shredder’s skills are unparalleled; he could best be described as a bad ass master martial artist. Shredder manages to kick all four turtle’s butts and is ultimately defeated by another master of martial arts, Splinter.
(2014 movie played by Tohoru Masamune) Leader of th
e foot clan, uses minions for, I don’t know. Personally goes to take care of almost all fights wearing a cybernetic suit that has been “modernized” but still fits the traditional style of armor for the leader of the Foot clan. Now has magnetic bayonet sized knives that shoot out of armor and be retrieved magically without attracting any other metal, works like magic. This incarnation is also a bad ass master martial artist. Curb stomps turtles and Splinter with ease each encounter. Defeated by shenanigans.
The Foot Clan
(1990 movie) A shadow organization of ninjas known through Japan as being awesome and must be feared due to their overwhelming skills as thieves and assassins. Follows the orders of Master Shredder and follows him to America to set up a crime ring after Shredder kills Hamato Yoshi.
(2014 movie) An organization of armed mercenaries that EVERYONE knows about including the police who have no way to stop them, or even attempt to bring their reign of terror to an end. Decked out with stealth ops gear and face masks to make sure they cannot be identified, they work more as furniture movers than trained soldiers. Constantly do stupid things like fire at bulletproof targets causing the bullets to ricochet and kill their own troops. This “highly trained” force is not very good at their job. As a group the entire Foot clan should walk off a cliff, like lemmings.
Raphael
(1990 movie voiced by Josh Pais) Raph is the Turtle with a short fuse and a bad temper. He constantly fights with his own inner turmoil.
(2014 movie played by-Alan Ritchson) This re-imagined version of Raphael could be referred to as “Turtle Schwarzenegger”. Raph is the biggest of all the turtles and from his size it looks like he ate his compatriots. He also isn’t always the team player and enjoys fighting alone. Now the character also is now bullet proof and possesses super strength which is demonstrated when he is able to push and shove TONS of weight with ease.
Michelangelo
(1990 movie voiced by Robbie Rist) Michelangelo is the pizza loving party dude that is everyone’s bro. He processes the characteristics of the class clown and serves as comedy relief. He seems like he would be right at home at the North Shore of Oahu when he isn’t in the sewers and has a laid back surfer boy attitude.
(2014 movie played by Noel Fisher) Still pizza loving goofball but is now has a very ethnic look about him and comes across as a gang banger. He becomes instantly becomes infatuated with April. He Spends most of his time sexually harassing April and wants to bed her as bad as Vernon.
Donatello
(1990 movie played by Leif Tilden) quick witted and tech savvy, always the turtle with the plan. Very vocal and ready to give his opinion on something and quick to gibe at friends and family. Intelligence is relayed through his quips and his ability 
to repair machines.
(2014 movie played by Jeremy Howard) shy and somewhat reclusive, comes off as more a cyber tech turtle. He relies on his goggles to tell him information like a terminator robot. His dialog and display of intelligence is limited to hacking a computer and relating his interest in an experiment.
Leonardo
(1990 movie voiced by Brian Tochi) Leader of the turtles and a turtle of action, gives the orders and bickers with Raphael like brothers would. Leo shows the highest skill in training and in combat prowess. Keeps a cool head when faced with making hard decisions and makes choices that affect the whole team.
(2014 movie voiced by Johnny Knoxville, thus, destroying all credibility.) He has a grand total of 11 lines in the entire movie. Interactions with Raphael are limited to Raphael telling Leonardo not to tell him what to do. Effectively kidnapped during the film and never gets a chance to show his leadership skills or his fighting prowess. Besides Splinter handing him the katana and saying they were blades of a leader nothing shows that his is better in any way shape or form from the other turtles.
Don’t even start me on what is wrong with Splinter…
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is directed by Jonathan Liebesman and produced by Michael Bay. The film is rated PG-13 and has a runtime of 101 minutes. As you probably picked up from this review, I think you should avoid this movie. I can’t even suggest taking the kids to see this one since the movie is slow at points which could lead to restless children. The people in the theater are already being forced to endure what is happening on screen; they shouldn’t have to put up with a screaming child as well.
All in all the movie was unimpressive, filled with plot holes you can drive a semi through, lacked the ninja action of a ninja action movie, and outright destroys my hope that the Turtles will live on as a live action movie franchise. I cared for none of the characters and sympathized with none of the villains. I do not even think this movie will interest its target audience, whoever they may be. Save your money, do ANYTHING else.
-Nate Biller
